My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car