@corysnearowski: My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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@qwertying: Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
@KentWGraham: When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
@veronicamarche: I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.