My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters