@corysnearowski: My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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@bluntphilip: Rich people in movies apparently can't drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
@Robert_Beau: I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: I'm not going to drink in 2017 *in hospital 3 days later* Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot