My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
#Caturday
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
also my go-to takeaway order
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”