My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
anyone else like Italian cereal
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.