me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
greetings!
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Put a ring on it
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.