My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“what that mouth do?” complain
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
look at me when i’m typing to you
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”