My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I love art.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.