@max_pad21: My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash
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@GayAtHomeDad: When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
@MaraWritesStuff: BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That's not very Thanksgiving-y. ME: Well, it's about family...
@thatcarlygirl: Me: When I have a rough day, you're there. When I need to cry, you're there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
@HonestToddler: They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.