Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
new shirt idea
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My wife gives the best headache.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car