My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.