My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys