Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
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Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it