My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
i could never be president. im overqualified.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!