My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
You Might Also Like
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Clients after you give them your rates
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans