@squirrel74wkgn: My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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@subtweetopath: Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Well that’s great! Me: Your luggage is outside.
@FilthyRichmond: I'm calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
@Ungli_Baba: Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ?? Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
@jctwritesstuff: *watching The Revenant* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* Him: What are you doing? Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.