My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Liquor Store Parking
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day