My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I wanna be friends with this person
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.