my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
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M:
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M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Thanks to a fan for this one!
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.