my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
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I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Oops
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.