My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Y’all ready for this
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Worst bar ever.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory