everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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This why you should mind your business
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO