@novicefather: My wife said her new addiction is goji berries but I'd prefer she get addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
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@Brampersandon_: ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!? ME: ok wow now I'm conflicted
@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
@ImaFlyontheWall: If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.