@novicefather: My wife said her new addiction is goji berries but I'd prefer she get addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
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@iFluff8: Millions of people are killed every year because they didn't check behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.
@NamestartswithZ: MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan't affect my wise counsel ME: How can I become- MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
@WarrenHolstein: Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn't tell anyone.
@squirrel74wkgn: [on first date] I'll have an iced tea, please. Waiter: Sure. Ummm...anything for the balloon with a woman's face drawn on it?