@novicefather: My wife said her new addiction is goji berries but I'd prefer she get addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
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@hippieswordfish: ME: any advice DAD: its ok to embellish a little [later at job interview] INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself M: i wrote harry potter
@briancthayer: *buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers* Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
@SuperJuanderer: if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, "STOP DOING THAT!"