I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons