My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
*cough*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State