@jus4golf: My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
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@matt___nelson: [Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] "I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"
@LuvPug: I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don't care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
@lacybronze1: I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
@1Happytwit: If you're already in the cop car, I really can't see how puking in it could make things any worse.