Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.