@Parentpains: My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
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@Ryan_Patricks: My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is 9 crying? me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
@Dahmerscookpot: Things that don't kill bees 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
@Steven37366100: Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree* Me: No good Wife: Why not? Me: Seems shady Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*