@Parentpains: My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
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@Aspersioncast: My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
@ShaeAaron: My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I'm not sure if I'm going to bed, or to Walmart.
@iGreenMonk: I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.