Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.