@Parentpains: My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
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@iLikeCatShirts: *Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
@slackmistress: Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
@BakedBrotatoes: Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she's ready.
@chrissyteigen: i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat