@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
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@RobDenBleyker: Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can't Believe It's Not 1860.
@kumailn: "And remember to talk to everyone like they're a 3rd grader." - flight attendant manual
@ElleOhHell: "Dumb as a bag of hammers" is kind of a stupid comparison because it's actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
@Mr_Kapowski: *aliens land on Thanksgiving* *me showing them around* "We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish" Aliens: Savages