My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
You Might Also Like
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
this is what they would have looked like, though
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.