“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
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GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Love is always patient and kind.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.