@novicefather: My wife said that if I lose my job, she's divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?
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@Steven37366100: Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
@brettminor: It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake. Even if it is no one's birthday. They don't even check.
@dinokitten: "Dude go make the first move on her!" "Okay fine, but I'm not too sure what I'm doing." *approaches girl* "Knight to f3"
@bornmiserable: Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.