@novicefather: My wife said that if I lose my job, she's divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?
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@birbigs: One way to tell if what you're watching isn't really news is if the person is shouting at you.
@GrantTanaka: *sees burglar *throws flashlight at him *misses *throws another *misses *throws another *misses *throws another Burglar: WTF Me: COSTCO
@chapel3929: There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes: 1. Headphone users have torsos? 2. Giraffe strangler