Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
#FunnyLife Insects
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.