We found love in a hopeless place.
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I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.