@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said "vase" wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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@Brentweets: CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it's not missing so now they don't care.
@muskrat_john: "WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?" Dunno. I'll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
@ch000ch: if she doesn't reciprocate ur first "i love u", press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say "oh cool u love me too? nice"
@patrickhogan91: 22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders