@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said "vase" wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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@InternetHippo: ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend? 8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it
@atanenhaus: Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
@UncleDuke1969: Waitress: Is this your grandma? Me: My wife. Waitress: ... Me: ... Waitress: I am SO sorry. *walks away* Grandma: Nice one. High five!
@marcia_bee: Imagine me in bed. Wrong. Wetter. Wrong again. Wetter. Wrong AGAIN! Soaking wet. This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!