@simoncholland: My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we're handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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@iamburtjarvis: her: what r u doing? me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have- her: oh god me:-a water filter.
@underchilde: Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?
@TitaniumToplass: *casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*