My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”