My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
yeet
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.