My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??