My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Life is a suicide mission.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”