My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?