My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.