Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Muppet Screams
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…