My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
#oldknees