Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha