@ScottyDsntKnow3: My wife thinks I'm too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!
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@TheTweetOfGod: People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
@slaughthie: I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said "day before Valentine's Day" like I'm some genius who knows when Valentine's Day is.
@JediGigi: My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
@3sunzzz: You can't leave the aquarium with a penguin. It's a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop. Ma'am, it's moving. I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!