Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.