@ScottyDsntKnow3: My wife thinks I'm too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."
@beefman138: I will never refer to 'drunk me' or 'sober me' because that implies the second one exists.
@MariyaAlexander: Whenever people say they're willing to do "whatever it takes" to "make it in Hollywood" they never mean "patiently work on their craft".
@dafloydsta: Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun. Unless they have a gun.