My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice