My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
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Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.