My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
O Wise One….
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.