My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!