My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
You Might Also Like
Help Wanted
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
bought wrong eggs
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”