@KentWGraham: My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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@juanadog: Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...
@Mikecanrant: "YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!" - I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
@QwertyJones3: [speed dating] HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead. ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom
@ClichedOut: [about to post] Social Media Police: Is it reliable Me: Yes SMP: Source? M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend SMP: Proceed