My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
much to think about
Basically.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.