My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Yes, this is exactly right
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us