I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes š„°
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Olā Razzle Dazzleā¦
Gynecologist: Weāve talked about thisā¦Please, stop.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is Iām still in my 40s.
when I put ā???ā In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Iāve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and Iāve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly thereās no difference
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
āWhen I was your age, I already owned a houseā
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth graderās constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Dear websites I donāt give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
āIāll worry about it next timeā
– me pissing off future me
Her: Youāre so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, Iād like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing